Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
