I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
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It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
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T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.