i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize