Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.