I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.