after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
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so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
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Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.