By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
