It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
