I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
