Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
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And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
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Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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