I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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