He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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