Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
