I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
