I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
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