yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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