Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
