Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
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