Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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