god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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