Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Vodka?
Forever.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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