So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
