Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
