Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
