my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
