Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
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