I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Randomize
