I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
