apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
