I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
