Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
