He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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