I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
