Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Randomize
