I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
