There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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