i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Someone came in the potted fern
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
