It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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