Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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