thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
