you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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