i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
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