I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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