areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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