My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
