im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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