I can text with my tongue
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
