At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
