yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
