The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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