eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Randomize
