Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Congratulations! We have a period
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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