i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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