I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
