I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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