I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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