You're a womanizer and a bitch.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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