i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
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