He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
He shit in the fireplace
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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