You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
