i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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