Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I have feelings that need drinking.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Randomize
