I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
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